Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

Dear Chantal

How do I get people to see that I am more than my looks? I’m sensitive, passionate, a teddy bear for the most part, and a great dad, but that never seems to convey itself in the flesh.

What people don’t see past is my shaved head, goatee, jeans, and Harley Davidson belt buckle. I know all this looks tough, but inside I’m a big softie, and once people get to know me I often get asked why “a guy like me is still single.” Truthfully it’s something that bothers me quite a bit. I know I have a lot of good qualities in me but they never seem to work in my favour.

WATCH: WHY DO NICE GUYS (AND GIRLS!) FINISH LAST?

For the most part, I’ve always dated older women. I’ve attempted dating women my own age or a little younger but it doesn’t work out. I often wonder what I can do to be more attractive to women my own age.

I’ve never been a man to date casually and always look for someone I connect with on a deeper level, but since my marriage of almost 10 years ended none of my relationships have lasted long.

I’ve always had a hard time making lasting friendships due to my work schedule, so being introduced to women by friends hasn’t been a successful avenue. I could probably write a novel on my frustrations, Chantal. I’m a good man with a heart of gold. I have many imperfections yet I strive to leave people better than when I met them. But no one sees that in me. How can I change this streak and find the woman who’ll finally appreciate me?

Doug

WATCH: THE 7 QUALITIES YOUR DREAM WOMAN HAS

Dear Doug,

I know your email will resonate, and I want to thank you for letting me shed some light on what is such a common thread among the great men I meet on the road – good guys seem to finish last.

The thing is, men like you – I call them generous, long term thinkers – are super hard to find. Why? For the same reason you’re struggling to make connections. They’re working. A lot.

It’s hard for good men to balance all the responsibilities you take on. Long work hours so you can pay the home your kids come to, the child support that’s needed to contribute to their stability and a good co-parenting scenario with your baby’s mamma. It takes a lot of time, dedication, and focus for you to be successful in these VERY IMPORTANT aspects of your life, and there’s little left over for the kind of social homework it takes to get the law of averages working in your favour.

I get it.

Listen, my husband is one of you, and he met me purely by luck. And frankly, it was his unwavering interest and focus over the course of two and a half years that finally wore me down. I mean, won me over! But his tactic isn’t for everyone, so here’s some advice:

You’re gonna have to get out there.

There’s no avoiding the fact that you’ll never meet anyone if you don’t, you know, meet anyone. Yes, online searching is an option but I hear a lot of you loud and clear – you’re getting tired of it. So the face to face route will help you in a lot of ways.

First, it’s going to help you become more than just that rough and tough exterior you’re talking about. If you can have a conversation with someone and you laugh together, that person will see into you, which is what you want. And you not only need to meet people, but you also need to share information about who you are. The soft stuff, like how you make sure you’re being a good dad. The things you like. What makes a tear come to your eye. Talk and talk about yourself, and ask questions too, so it’s an exchange.

Let go of the notion that each person you meet could be a match, and start thinking beyond them. Try to leave the sort of impression you’d want your future Love interest to have of you, so it can be passed on to them at some point.

Don’t think too much about the age factor. Sometimes we subconsciously perpetuate something just because it’s been a pattern thus far, but try to take it off your mind so you don’t put out the wrong energy, hence attracting just a small segment of the women out there.

I could have said “I never seem to attract men my age” before I met my husband because every man I was with was either older or younger than myself. But voila, my husband happens to be just a few months older than me. Just start focusing on humans, rather than age. Age is just a number, but compatibility is worth its weight in gold.

I understand that you’re feeling frustrated and your patience is beginning to fray. So you’ll want to take a deep breath and redirect your thoughts, making sure you’re not intensifying negative emotions and then vomiting them into your future. Remember, there are sooooooo many people out there who end their love stories with “and I wasn’t even looking.” This means that when they reached peak acceptance and contentment, BOOM. The Universe sent them exactly what they wanted/needed.

So how do you get to that relaxed state? I recommend using my Let’s Meditate playlist on my YouTube Channel. You’ll find a quick tutorial on how to make meditation easy, and tracks that make your minutes super-efficient. This will relax your vibe, making you subconsciously even more amazing to be around! Plus, it’ll sharpen your antennae, helping the Universe understand and send what you’re looking for much faster.

WATCH: HOW TO MAKE MEDITATION EASY

Be sure you’re clear on what you want in a relationship though! Because since like attracts like, clarity will be key to finding compatibility. So don’t send out a confusing signal.

I know a lot of this sounds like “Oh, been there, done that” combined with “Aw man, homework?!” But the fact is, regardless of where you are in your love journey, it’s work. Even when I found my compatible man I STILL had to do a lot of work to make our relationship functional (cause, the baggage…. oy, the baggage!).

So you know what? There’s no time like the present. Start today, and the day you’ll meet your Ms. Amazing should come sooner rather than later.

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Chantal Heide – Canada’s Dating Coach

Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they’re looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.

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