Question – How Can I Overcome My Jealousy?

Dear Chantal,

I have an amazing boyfriend, but I suffer from depression and low self esteem. We have been living together for over a year, but I seem to bring on a lot of fights over tiny things. He’s beginning to say he’s tired of this way of living, and that he doesn’t want to leave but can’t live like this anymore.

I would say we are 70% happy 30% having issues. I am going to see a counsellor tomorrow to learn how to love myself better, but how can I smarten up enough to keep this amazing man in my life? I’m interested in a book, course or whatever you can recommend?

Thanks, Nicole

Dear Nicole,

I can actually relate a lot to what you’re saying, since jealousy used to be a HUGE issue for me. But now because of my extensive research into sociology and how we function and react together, I understand it much better and define jealousy as a fear of loss. And when you realize that it can lessen the pain a bit, because this perspective helps you realize how much you love your partner. But you’re right, it can also be a hugely destructive force in a relationship 🙂

My first recommendation is to start meditating daily, 10 minutes daily would be the minimum, and that can be on average so if you miss a day you can simply make it up. Of course 20 minutes would help you much faster! But aim for at least 10. This will shrink your amygdala, which is your fight or flight area of your brain. When this part of your brain is smaller in size, you’ll find your negative emotions will shrink too. In just a few weeks you’ll notice that things that used to trigger you don’t anymore… and let me tell you, it’s an amazing moment the day you realize that change!

Do go and get that counselling, since it’s important to take your own demons in hand. Good on you for tackling this head on! Give yourself a pat on the back please Nicole, because instead of blaming your emotions on your partner, you’re taking responsibility for them.

In the meantime become Uber conscious of the words in your head before they come out of your mouth…and stop them if they fall into the “jealous crap” category. Your partner will appreciate being taken off the hot seat while you work through your stuff. It takes practice, but thinking before talking can become a great habit in life in general, so add this trait to your toolbox.

Know that words have a lot of power and them choose wisely… You can follow the advice I’d given myself to get through those tough times – “When you don’t know what to say, say nothing at all.” Sometimes those silences lasted days, but ultimately there are no words left unsaid that I wished I’d said. Those silences ultimately translated to more love and peace between us, and I didn’t unleash words that would make my man feel like he should be more protective of his emotions due to the hurt I was causing.

Also, I recommend reading my book Fix That Shit, A Couples Guide To Getting Past The Sticky Stuff. This amazing book is all about what helped me  fix my emotional triggers, and my readers love the “conversational tone” of my books. It’s like you and I having a coffee together, while I help you understand how to better function with the love of your life.

Start with that and keep me posted, I do love to follow my readers on their journeys! Sign on to my You Tube page for some really great tracks you can meditate to, and start today. You’ve got this Nicole. The first, and most important step towards significant change is recognizing what you need to work on, and I can see that you’re already well on your way towards amazing, positive change that’ll shift your love life towards more peace, understanding, evolution, and amazing love.

Chantal

You can find my Meditation Playlist here! Find the one with the mood and time that suits you best at the moment, and go for it

Be sure to check out Chantal’s books on Amazon!

Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building.  Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made are available on Amazon. View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to sign up for her mailing list (scroll all the way to the bottom to join, and get your free book)  and check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.

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Chantal Heide – Canada’s Dating Coach

Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they’re looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.

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