Gather Strength in Grieving the End of Your Relationship

It’s easy to pretend that being strong means that you don’t feel pain. But even in the most physical sense, the simple act of lifting weight can be painful – especially if you’re doing it to build muscle and become even stronger.

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After a breakup, you may cry and scream and cut your ex-boyfriend’s image out of all your family photos, then decide you’re done wasting your energy on your ex and move on the next day because experiencing those emotions hurts.

So you put your broken relationship in a box, shove it in the back of the closet, whip together an online dating profile, and act as though nothing happened to your heart over the last 8 weeks, or 6 months, or 20 years.

When we can’t control our feelings we tend to go overcompensate by our actions; overeating, undereating, over-exercising, getting a tattoo, partying like it’s 1999, and all manner of choices that are difficult or impossible to take back.

Acting like the demise of your relationship doesn’t affect you does not make you stronger – you put the weights down and walked out of the gym.

Feeling numb isn’t painful, but it isn’t fun either, and being mad instead of sad is not the same as being happy. You’re not giving yourself the opportunity to learn from that relationship and build a better one in the future. You can ignore hurt all you want, but it’s stubborn.

Ignoring your feelings, a.k.a. Emotional Avoidance doesn’t do you any good. You’re postponing the inevitable. Your mind is holding on to your grief and pushing it to the side doesn’t make it go away. Your mind is collecting your sadness, your anger, your grief, your shock, and just waiting for the worst possible time for you to have a breakdown.

You’ll find that activities and chores you used to do together, or that your ex-husband did entirely, cause you anxiety and sadness. That’s ok. But you still have to walk the dog, go to the grocery store, and you actually like bowling! If you avoid doing things that remind you of your ex you’re not living your life, you’re dodging it. Making a point to stay away from places, people, and activities that remind you of your ex will become as crippling as the grief you’re pretending you don’t have.

Why not have that breakdown right now and get it over with?

You have lost an important person in your life, someone you respected, liked a great deal and loved. Even if you did the leaving (or the booting!), you lost a loved one. There is no shame in being upset about that!

Respect yourself and deal with your grief. You put your heart on the line, and you lost. But you were strong enough to take that chance! Give yourself the credit you deserve by admitting that your failed relationship was an important part of your life, and while you can’t get it back you can, and will, move forward.

You cannot help how you feel, but you can decide what you do. This is your story. Treat your relationship for what it was, a learning experience – learning both about relationships and yourself. You now know better what you want from your next relationship. Or don’t want! When the time is right, and you’ll know when that is, put your hurt to rest and rely on your newly-improved strength. You got this!

Here’s what you can do going forward:  

When you want to make sure your next kiss is with someone who’s ready, get a copy of No More Assholes and find someone seriously amazing and ready to commit. He’s out there, I promise.

If he’s ready to commit and it’s time to take it to the next stage (woohoo!), read After The First Kiss – 7 Steps to Making Your First Year Together Ridiculously Awesome  and make sure you’re creating a strong foundation together.

This is the book that helps you avoid turning little things into big fights, and you’ll love how the advice inside helps you create the Magical relationship you’re looking for. Peaceful, cohesive, passionate, and intimate.

Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.

Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back.

If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. You’ll use different behaviors so you get a different outcome, and I know how to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots.

Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who carries the burden of knowledge and shows you the way.

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Chantal Heide – Canada’s Dating Coach

Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they’re looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.

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